wala lang...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

today, you borrowed my slippers!

; )

mura jud og bata, gikilig ni.borrow ra gani og tsinelas si mark.

hahay!

just when I thought I've learned my lessons...

just when I thought I would no longer find that someone...

just when I thought no one would make me fall again...

.......

.......

.......

.......

.......

and then YOU happen!

Why do you have to make me feel this way again???

Why do I even like you in the first place???

We've never been friends.

We haven't even talk like how normal people do. 

You should know that you're making it soooooo damn hard for me to go to work every single day!

It's so ironic how you always make my day, and how you seem to ruin it. 

One day, I know we'll go our separate ways, and then meet again.

 And maybe by then, you won't remember me, you won't even know I exist.

But I know, forever, I will long for you. ; ( 

-just a quickie post on my lunch break... ; (

TULONG NAMAN DYAN O!!! ;(

Dear Diary,


Today is a special day. Mark rode with me at the backseat of our car for a few minutes. I saw him on his way to a jeepney, and immediately called his attention to offer him a ride on our way to annex. I was  actually taken aback with my courage to shout his name. We've never been close, and i never had the guts to talk tohim before. Anyhow, it was a chance that I should not miss, and so I did take advantage of the situation! We talked a little inside the car but that was pretty much about it. When we arrived at our destination, he said thank you, and after that, things went back to normal. And by normal I mean me and him as strangers to each other. 

This same day I realize that he will never talk to me the way he talks to other people. He will never see as a person the way I want him to. He will never be interested in me, not as a lover, not even as a friend. And it hurts me so much because i have been through this before, and still I'm allowing myself to fall for him. That's just soooooooooooooo stupid of me. 

Huhuhuhhu. Ano dapat kung gawin??? 

INLABbabo

From the very first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew right then and there that you would mean something to me. And damn, I was not wrong! 

It's been more than a month since I started working, and since then I have been seeing you all the time, not only in our workplace, but almost everywhere. I don't know why, but you never fail to make me smile. I know we don't talk a lot, but your presence is more than enough for me.

Anyway, have I not told you that your cute little mustache and goatee looks good on you? Yeah, it does! Your height seems perfect for me, I know your short but you look really cute. The way you walk is a little strange because your ass moves left to right, and vice versa, weirdly. Your skin is really nice, it shows that you take care of your body, and you're conscious of how you look. Every time you pass by me, I would smell the fragrance in the air, and darn you smell good! And yeah, your smile tickles every single gay bone in my body! Your lips are red, and kissable. Your hair looks good. The way you talk amazes me. I don't know how to mingle with you, because everything you do is extraordinary.  

My admiration for you grows every single day, and I'm afraid if I won't stop now, I'd fall deeply. I'm writing this entry to remind me that there was a time when I have completely fallen for you, but I know I have to stop now before things get out of control.

New Life.

New work. New environment. New people. New challenges!


HAY!


Natatakot ako! Kasi napi-pressure ako sa bago kong work. It has been more than 2 weeks since I started working there. First week ko pa lang, gusto ko nang mag.give up, mag.quit! Nahihiya lang akong mag.quit kasi binigyan ako ng chance ng employer ko kahit wala akong prior experience sa work, or any job na related sa trabaho ko ngayon.


Count your blessings! Out of 300+ plus na applicant, 19 lang daw kaming tinanggap. Nakakahiyang mag.quit kasi baka sabihin nila ingrata ako. huhuhu!


Pero I feel so intimidated talaga. Paano ba naman, 75% ng kasabayan ko, may working experience na. 25% kahit walang experience sa field na ito, eh super talino naman at masisipag. The problem here is, wala na nga akong experience, hindi pa ako ganun ka talino. Is it really me, or is it just my low self-esteem talking. Hindi naman siguro ganun ka bobo ang employer ko para i.hire nya ako kung sa tingin nya hindi ako qualified sa work.


Sana lang talaga, makaya ko ito! I'll give it a year, and then I'll see what happens next.

ULTIMATE SADNESS...

Kung gaano ka-sad ang mukha ng baby na ito, ganun din ako ka.sad ngayon!


Ewan ko ba, I always feel like I'm second best if not walang kwenta.

Matalino naman ako. Hindi naman ako pangit, di nga lang katangkaran. Mabait naman ako sa mga kaibigan ko, lalo na kapag may pera ako, nililibre ko naman sila. Kung alam kong may problema ang tao, hindi na nya kailangang manghingi sa akin ng tulong, kusa akong tutulong. Masaya naman akong kakwentuhan.Sometimes, introvert nga lang. Mahiyain ako, oo. Kapag like ko ang isang tao, kahit anong atraso ng taong yun sa akin, pinapalampas ko na lang. Madali naman akong pakiusapan. Hindi nga lang daw approachable kasi medyo stricto yung look ko. 

Ewan ko ba. Alam kong hindi marami ang mga kaibigan ko, konti lang sila. Pero kaibigan ko pa rin sila. Kaya lang ni minsan hindi ko naramdaman na may taong tanggap ako ng buong buo. Yung taong alam kong gustong maging kaibigan ako. Parang ang sakit lang isipin.

All I ever wanted was to belong. 

Gusto ko lang naman na may taong mag.enjoy sa company ko, makasama ko mag.stroll sa mall, magkape sa kung saan-saan, magclubbing, magbiking, tumambay sa beach, kumain sa plaza ng siomai, katawanan, kaiyakan, yung masasabihan ko ng sama ng loob, yung taong mangangailangan sa akin kapag may problema sila.

Hay! 

I do believe no man is an island. Kaya Lord, kung may kaibigan kang ibibigay sa akin para maging karamay ko sa hirap at ginhawa, ibigay mo na naman oh. Hirap na kasi akong maghintay. ;  ( 

Gustong gusto ko nang umiyak. Na.iiyak na ako talaga. Ang sakit kasi sa loob. Parang ang hirap huminga. Pero hindi ako iiyak. Sayang ang luha ko. Tubig din yun, global warming ngayon, dapat mag-conserve ng water! T . T 

ANG PAGBABALIK!!!

Before anything else, I would like to greet everyone HAPPY NEW YEAR, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, AND HAPPY BALEMTYMS DAY! HEHE. 

Sa wakas, tapos na po ang paghihintay, I'M OFFICIALLY A REGISTERED NURSE! I know, I know, I know! haha. Ang galing ko talaga. I'm so smart kaya! hhaha.

At kasabay ng paglabas ng result ng NLE ay ang paglaya ko sa promise ko kay God na hindi ako lalandi. Kaya naman the other day lang, I started opening my planetromeo account again, at nagdownload pa talaga ako ng MIRC para lang makipaglandian sa #cebusex and #bi-cebu chatrooms, o diba di masyadong halata na na-miss ko talagang lumandi!

Anyway, I started checking out some profiles in planetromeo, and not so long after logging in, I saw a familiar account. He lives not far from my home. Just a 30-minute jeepney ride away. Familiar na talaga siya sa akin kasi there were a lot of times in the past that we planned to meet each other, kaya lang palaging hindi natutuloy. And this time, I said to myself eto na talaga, hindi pwedeng hindi matuloy to!

 He's cute, 5'7'', medium built, moreno, chinito, and through his dick pics, I can say he's definitely gifted! I arrived in his house at around 8:00 pm. When he invited me to enter his abode, I instantly saw two straight guys sitting in his living room. They were average looking. Nonetheless, I got excited thinking I will be joining an orgy for the first time (with 2 straight guys at that!).

In just a few moments, I kinda notice they were acting a bit weird. Yung parang tipsy lang! Pero I did not smell any trace of alcohol. Their eyes were a bit red. Kaya naman I felt kinda scared at that moment. Maya maya pa, the two guys said their goodbyes and we were left alone in his house. I got excited! Sabi ko, ito na talaga! This will be the best experience ever! He sat next to me in his living room. He was busy doing something with his laptop. He was still online sa planetromeo! While he was busy, we talked about almost anything. And then I asked who were the two guys awhile go, and why did they left. He said they are his friends, and every once in awhile they come to visit him!

Hindi para mangumusta!

Hindi para mag-dinner!

Hindi para makinood ng tv!

At lalong hindi para makipagsex!

PUMUPUNTA SILA SA BAHAY NA YUN PARA MAG-DROGA! MAG-SESSION. MAGPAKA-HIGH WITH THEIR FAVORITE SHABU!

That time parang gumuho ang mundo ko! Ok lang naman sana makigpagsex sa kanya with protection, kaya lang he was high that time! Natakot ako! He was already asking me for money kasi daw mag.se.session muna kami bago kami mag.se.sex! Kaloka! Gawin ba akong addict???

Natakot ako kasi the way he sounded, parang ang aggressive, na kapag hindi ka nya magugustohan, bubugbugin ka nya! And who knows, baka mapatay nya ako! Hindi nya controlado ang sarili nya! He's under the influence of shabu!

I was thinking of how to escape, kaya lang he stood up and locked the front door. He went to the powder room and brushed his teeth. Hindi na ako mapakali. I stood up and told him that I will be going outside to buy some candy kasi I saw a store nearby. He looked at me with a weird expression. I didn't know what he was thinking that time. I didn't wait for his answer. I went to the front door and I tried to open the door, kaya lang ang hirap buksan. Pinagpawisan na nga ako ng bonggang bongga! He was still staring at me, so I said "ang init noh??? sana may aircon sa luob ng room moh!"

Sa wakas bumukas ang pinto. I went out without looking back at him. I didn't go to the store. I went out directly outside the village! I turned off my phone! I was so happy I was still alive! Natakot talaga ako!

Paranoid lang ba talaga ako, or did I just act appropriately???

 If you were in my shoes, ano ginawa mo???

2 months to wait!!!

At long last, tapos na din ang Nurse Licensure Exam! Yes po, I took the December nurse licensure examination, and hopefully I passed it. ( sana Lord! sana Lord! sana Lord! please Lord! please Lord! please Lord!)

I always pray to God that He will give me a chance to prove myself as a nurse, to realize my dreams which I really want to happen in the next coming years. I know that if I will pass the exam, I will be able to reciprocate all the love and support from all those people who have shown care for me, especially my parents!

In line with my prayers, I promise to God na hindi ako lalandi until the results are out, in exchange na He will answer my prayers. Lol. Hindi ako lalandi. Hindi ako lalandi. Hindi ako lalandi, FOR TWO MONTHS. HUHUHUHU, please pray for me po na hindi ako lalandi, for two months, dahil kung lalandi ako, hindi ako ipapasa ni Lord. ;  )

lesson learned

i've always wondered how it was like to be chased by someone you admire (yung tipong nagpapakipot, pero hinahabol pa din). to be honest, i have never met someone who showed me that much affection.

a couple of weeks a ago, i decided to create a dummy facebook account. an account that personified the girl i've always wanted to be. with that i made use of someone else's pictures who i believe is very desirable to guys. i know it's wrong!!! hindi tama na gamitin ko ang katauhan ng iba para sa mga kalokohan ko, pero ginawa ko pa rin. 

after creating the dummy account, i added some friends, and just this afternoon i had the chance to chat with the two them in fb. the first person i exchanged messages with was really hot. 19 years old, an amateur model here in cebu, 5'11'' in height, fair complexion, really hot bod, the zanjoe marudo type. i saw him one time near my friend's house that's why i searched for him in fb. we were both in heat during our chat. i can feel the adrenaline rush in his messages (adrenaline rush??? parang may emergency lang!!!). chat sex kumbaga!!! nanginginig pa nga ang mga daliri ko ng mga panahon na yun! i can't help but imagine how it was like to get a taste of the real thing with him. 

the second person i chatted was the total opposite of the first one. he's 5'5'' in height, not the athletic type, maputi, chinito, more like dennis trillo. ang angas ng look, bad boy kumbaga! in short, he is such a vision. this time, he even allowed me to see him on cam in yahoo messenger. grabe talaga! he's got really good looks kaya nga nag-audition na raw siya one time in abs-cbn cebu. boy next door ika nga! napakabait! boyfriend material!

after ending my chat with them, to my surprise, i was hurt, badly hurt emotionally. MORE LIKE BROKEN, SHATTERED, TORN INTO PIECES. it was because i suddenly realized that  it wasn't me who they wanted. i tried to chat with them using my personal account, pero hindi sila nag-rereply. nag-sink in bigla sa akin na i will never be someone who they will want, someone na hahanapin nila, paggugugulan ng panahon, gugustuhing makasama. in that very  instant, i realized that i will never be a woman. kahit higitan ko pa ng one million times ang pagmamahal na kayang ibigay ng isang babae, still, i will never be loved like a woman. talaga nga namang napaka-unfair ng mundo.

ayaw ko na sanang i-blog ito kasi puro na lang kasawian ang naisusulat ko. i just want this experience to be a lesson learned, for me not to do it again. ; (

Gusto kong maalala ang moment na to!

nakalimutan ko na si Mars (yun ang akala ko!).


kanina nang dahil sa pang-iindian ng friend ko, napadaan na naman ako sa robinsons cebu.


noong papalabas na ako sa mall, nakita ko si mars. 


siya lang mag-isa.


wala masyadong dumadaan na tao sa bago nyang pwesto. 


dededmahin ko sana siya gaya ng ginawa ko 3 times na, pero di ko napigilan. 


na-miss ko talaga ang mga kwentuhan namin, kaya naman tumambay muna ako sandali sa pwesto nya.


medyo matagal kaming nag-usap kaya naman marami-rami rin kaming napag-usapan. 


pero ito talaga ang tumatak sa puso ko ( at paulit-ulit na nagreplay sa isip ko habang nakasakay ng vhire


pauwi sa amin.)


mistersecrecy: kung naa kay rest day laag nya ta sa amo!
                      ( kung may rest day ka, punta ka sa bahay namin )
                      
mars: oo, sige ba! mamisita ko nimo didto!
         ( oo, sige ba! bibisitahin kita )
         mamisita in bisaya means pagbisita sa taong nililigawan mo!


GRABE! KILIG TO THE BONES NAMAN YUNG LOLA NYO! ANG BABAW NG KALIGAYAHAN KO NOH! HEHE. ; )

ang sakit... ang sakit sakit...

hindi ko alam kung ano ang isusulat ko, kasi hanggang sa mga oras na ito, masakit pa rin sa akin ang katotohanan. parang sinampal ako ng realidad ng buhay. straight si mars, at ako naman, bakla....... bakla lang...


last week, nanuod kami ng friends ko ng movie. mga alas 9 na ng matapos ang dalawang movie na pinanood namin. uuwi na sana ako kasama ng mga kaibigan ko ng napatingin ako sa orasan sa celfon ko at naisip ko na nang mga oras na yun, malapit ng matapos ang shift ni mars, hanggang 10 pm kasi ang duty nya. since malapit lang naman yung location ko sa mall kung saan nagwo-work si mars, naisip ko na imbitahan siyang lumabas pagkatapos ng duty nya. mga 9:20 na ng makarating ako sa mall. kitang kita ko siya sa entrance kung saan siya naka-poste. lumapit ako sa kanya at bumati, sabay aya sa kanya na kumain muna kami sandali bago siya umuwi. sabi ko sa kanya na aantayin ko siya kahit gaano katagal. pumayag naman siya. umupo ako sa hagdanan ng mall kung saan tanaw ko pa rin ang lalaking nagpapatibok ng puso ko ngayon. pagsapit ng alas 10:30 ng gabi, lumabas na siya at sinabi nya sa akin na magbibihis lang daw muna siya sandali. tinungo namin ang kabilang bahagi ng mall kung saan nandoon ang quarters ng mga guard. doon siya nag-bihis habang ako naman ay naghintay sa labas. ang tagal nyang magbihis. naisip ko tuloy na baka lumabas na siya sa exit kung saan hindi ko siya makikita. naghintay pa rin ako. alas 11 na ng lumabas si mars. mas gumwapo siya ngayong hindi na uniform ng security guard ang suot nya. nagulat ako ng sabihin nya na uuwi na raw siya kasi gabi na at kailangan pa nyang pumasok ng maaga bukas ng alas 8. nasaktan ako kasi naghintay ako ng mahigit isang oras para sa kanya pero hindi man lang nya nakita yung effort ko. sinubukan kong yayain siya ulit kaso ayaw talaga nya. ang tanong ko sa sarili ko nuon, bakit siya pumayag noong unang beses na inaya ko siya, bakit nuong pauwi na siya, ayaw na nya? gusto lang ba nya akong paasahin? saktan? magmukhang tanga?


hindi ko siya pinilit! pumayag ako na mag-siuwian na kami. tinanong nya ako kung saan ako sasakay. sinabi ko dun pa sa kabiling kalye. tapos sabi nya na delikado daw maglakad mag-isa, malalim na daw ang gabi at baka ma-holdup pa ako. doon na lang ako sumakay sa kinatatayuan namin. sinabi ko sa kanya na okey lang ako at dapat na siyang umuwi kasi maaga pa siya bukas. hindi pa rin siya umalis. inantay nya na makasakay ako ng jeep. kinilig ako ng mga panahon na yun kasi kahit papano, may concern pala siya sa akin. pero nasaktan pa rin ako.


ilang araw na ang lumipas, dumadaan pa rin ako sa mall kung saan siya nagtatrabaho. pero di gaya ng dati, hindi ko na siya kinakausap. hindi na ako tumatambay sandali kung saan siya nakaduty. pagpumapasok ako sa entrance, tumitingin lang ako sa mukha nya pero hindi ko na siya binabati. hindi rin naman siya nagsasalita. parang hindi kami magkakilala. ang sakit, ang sakit sakit mga teh. gusto ko siya. gustong gusto ko siya. ano ba ang dapat kung gawin??? tulong naman dyan...

Si Mars...

              

               Some like virgins, some prefer tall men, while some adore and enjoy black hunks. Me? I'ts simple, I prefer men in uniforms. I don't know if it's just me, but I really find them sexy. Ggggrrrrrrrrrr... GRABE, as in! Lalo na kapag medyo hunky ang body, and kapag perfectly fitted yung uniform nila.

               Anyways, this brings me to the title of my blog? Bakit nga ba I'M SECRETLY IN LOVE? Well, ganito kasi yun. A couple of weeks ago, I was strolling in one of the malls here in Cebu. I was alone, kasi yung friends ko attended our review classes for the December Nurse Licensure Exam, and ako naman, nag.absent, jeje! So nag-ikot ikot na lang ako sa Robinsons. Sa kakaikot ko, ayan nangalay ang paa ko at naisipan kung kumain muna. Lalabas na sana ako ng mall para kumain sa favorite kong kainan kaya lang may nakita akong security guard. And take note, he's not an ordinary security guard lang. Grabeeee mga teh, ang GGWWAAPPOO! So ang ending, imbes na lumabas ako ng mall, eh dun na lang ako kumain sa foodcourt ng Robinsons. (doon kasi siya naka.assign noong time na yun) Tapos umupo talaga ako dun sa table na mga 4 meters away lang sa EXIT kung saan sya naka-duty. Kaya naman habang kumakain ako, super glance ako sa maamo nyang face! Grabe talaga, hindi mo aakalain na security guard siya sa porma nya. He was wearing this blue polo and black slocks. Yun kasi ang uniform ng mga naka-duty sa tatlong certain areas ng mall na yun. After a while, na-noticed na nya na paligi akong tumitingin sa kanya. At first, pa.smile-smile pa sya, kaya lang nung tumagal medyo naiirita na sya based on his facial expressions. 

               Hindi ko talaga na-resist yung charm nya, kaya naman yung ginawa ko, I introduced myself to him and asked for his name. Well, itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang MARS. If you're wondering anong itsura nya... he's chinito, medyo maputi, medium built, around 5'6'' or 5'7'' I think, and he's got this bad boy look talaga. Yung tipong rapist na cute, o yung sosyal na adik, parang pinaghalong Champ ng Hale at Aaron Villafor. Medyo ganun!!! In short... yummy talaga!!! Hehe. Nag-usap kami sandali, he was friendly naman pala. He's 23 years old. Single and he's not in a relationship, few months pa lang siyang security guard. He previously worked in SM City Cebu departement store. I wanted to take a picture of him kaya lang nahihiya pa siya. Until now pag.umuuwi ako galing sa review center and I'm alone, I tend to drop by Robinsons para makita siya. Nag-uusap kami sandali tapos umuuwi na  ako. I asked him out one time pero mukhang hindi pa siya comfortable, hindi pa kasi pumapayag. Tinanong nya ko kung anong gagawin namin, sinabi ko naman na mag-iinuman lang kami. Tapos tinanong nya kung ano pa daw gagawin namin after, sabi ko sa kanya yun lang. Tapos nag-smile lang siya. I know that time he was thinking na after namin mag-inuman may gagawin akong masama sa kanya, well.... hindi sya nagkamali. hehe. Pero kung ayaw nya talaga, hindi ko siya pipilitin. Mag-aantay na lang ako ng tamang panahon. Kakaibiganin ko muna siya, and we'll see what will happen next. ( evil grin!!! jeje )

( secretly in love kasi nakaka-in love talaga siya... im not yet in love ha, hmmm pero malapit na... hehe... )

               

                

The Beginning

               October 21, 2010 marks the day of a new chapter in my life. On this day, my blog will begin, and hopefully I will be able to update my blog every now and then. I know that I am not a great writer, anyhow, I just want to write my personal experiences. It's always nice to look back on past things in our lives, and I think blogging is one way to reminisce the past. 

               Blogging for me is also therapeutic. I write whenever I feel down or, when I am happy ( but mostly when i'm sad). I love blog hopping, the first few blogs that I was able to browse were corpcloset.blogspot.com, livingtheexpectations.blogspot.com, justforthetrip.blogspot.com, baklangmaton.blogspot.com, manilagayguy.net and callcentercon.travellerspoint.com. And I must say, seeing updates from these blogs somehow makes my day. And now, here I am, trying to fit in this wonderful and fun world of blogging. 

               This blog will feature my personal experiences ( naughty experiences at that!). If you have any comments, suggestions, or violent reactions..............feel free to comment on my blog. jeje.